I really, really wish you could know me now. I am learning so much about myself, who I am at my core and discovering how I walk through the world as Amy.
For many months now, actually years, I have been mired in a victim mentality. It has clouded everything in my life. While I certainly see it as a necessary step in my process of self-discovery, it is all too tempting and easy to remain stuck here, constantly feeding on misery, resentment and martyrdom, while refusing to take any responsibility for my actions. I do not wish to live in my victim any longer. I feel like the way out is through cultivating authentic feelings of gratitude. Since I have you pegged as a major player in my victim story, I figure the perfect place to start is by locating my gratitude for you and the ways you have, in any way, contributed to my sense of self.
I have located in me what I first believed to be an inability to receive. Be it love, support, guidance, a meal, a ride…you name it, I couldn’t take it in freely. Upon further exploration however, I realized I actually have an enormous, no GINORMOUS ability to receive. What I lacked was a functioning filtration system. Mom, you were instrumental in this discovery for me, it was YOU who first recognized my enormous capacity to receive, you who recognized my distant edges, you who attempted to connect with me by utilizing my breadth and depth as a receptacle or vessel for all you could not carry yourself. I can so appreciate your desire to connect with me. Truly. I needed this help from you to get to the next piece of my receiving, which is exercising my right to choice and discernment about WHAT I choose to receive. In other words, a fully functioning filtration system. Before recognizing this discernment, I allowed myself to be filled with all sorts of toxic by-products. Now I can choose not to be filled with ick. I can choose to receive love, and whatever else I feel will support and sustain me.
The freedom I have found with this new choice is absolutely empowering. I feel so incredibly grateful to you for laying this foundation for me and for loving me enough to connect with such an intimate and essential part of my psyche. Thank you!
What is this?
My whole life has been a training ground for my work as a therapist. I have transformed the ugliest hate into the most powerful love. Here is a peek into my personal process. My fear, my shame, my judgment, my heartbreak, my criticism...and more. I promise you, I'm okay. And you will be too.