January 13, 2011

Laura,

​​I just have to tell you how effected I feel by you expressing to me today that I couldn't possibly fathom how much you care about me.  With your words, I did feel it. I do feel it. And I have never felt anything like it before. I can honestly say that until today, no matter what other people actually felt/feel for me, I have never felt loved.  I have never felt that anyone actually cared about me.  Sadly this is too true for me.  I have spent 25 years of my life with S, experienced all sorts of way ups, way downs and way in-betweens (maybe not really, how much did I actually allow myself to feel?) yet I have never felt loved and cared for by him.  And I know he loves and cares for me.  I can see it and witness it, though I do not FEEL it.  But I felt it from you today.  Truly I did.  I felt your vulnerability as you spoke the words to me and it did not scare me, rather I felt such tenderness for you.  I believed you. I felt the sacredness of you speaking to me of your feelings. Laura, I think you are my first love.  I cannot explain the enormity of the gratitude I feel for you right now. (thank goodness I don't have to, you can just feel into it!)  You are showing me what intimacy truly is and now I will know it when I feel it.  I would not call the love I feel for you romantic or sexual.  I can put no word to it because that would impose a limit and the love I feel for you is just that, limitless, without boundary.  It is the enormity, the possibility, the mystery, the purity of the Universe.  I thank God you can feel into my feelings because this email does not and cannot even come close.  I am lucky to be typing coherent words, I feel like bashing my hands on the keyboard, the feelings I am feeling are so powerful.  I feel like the Universe right now.  Not separate, but one.  Thank you my friend, my love.

Love, 
Amy who is Amy, which is everything and nothing and oh so beautiful.