June 4, 2013

Dear E,
I thought and thought this afternoon and during my drive about all of the things I was feeling around you choosing not to be here either when the baby is born, or afterwards. 

I could feel how happy and excited you were today, at the idea of going back home to Israel. (this was a trip I had hoped to share with you) It felt like seeing your Dad and finding closure with him quickly became secondary to seeing friends, visiting family, and just enjoying being home in general.  And why shouldn't you feel this? What right do I have to begrudge you this joy and happiness?  Are you not free to choose what you want to do with your life?  What right do I have to judge your feelings?  So I had to think about what I was feeling.  And why.

This is what I came up with.
I absolutely do not love myself. I can talk and talk about how I am working on loving myself, but the truth is, I find it amazing that anyone could love me. That anyone would want to be with me, that I could make anyone happy. I am not trying to elicit sympathy from you, this is truly how I feel deep inside of me. That I am not worth it. And until I can come to a place where I can truly believe in myself and love myself, how could I possibly know how to love anyone else? Wouldn't it make me a big faker? I don't think I know how to love anyone without attachment or other things that are not unconditional love.  I have so much fear inside of me that I will never ever be able to feel true love. So I close myself down and don't try.

I am so afraid of being abandoned, I create reasons to abandon everyone else first, saying they don't love me right, when really I do not love them right, because I don't love myself.  I project this out onto you.  I am so sorry to do this to you, it is out of my own shadow.  So how does this all tie together? You going to Israel and missing our baby being born is a chance for me to create a story around you not loving me and abandoning me when I need you. Does this mean I am looking for an excuse to leave you? And then blaming it on you so I don't have to own that piece of my shadow?  I am not sure. I just know I want to find out and be honest.

Please go to Israel whenever it feels right for you to do so.  For as long as you wish to. If it means you are not with me when the baby is born, maybe that is meant to be. Maybe it is more important for you to have closure with your Dad than it is for you to be here for the birth. Maybe there is something or someone amazing waiting for you in Israel. Maybe you will stay there.  Maybe, maybe maybe... Sometimes we don't know the reason things happen the way they do. We have to try to be open to any possibility. This is a lesson I very much need to learn, I am not there yet at all.

I am so afraid to send this to you, so afraid for you to see my feelings, so afraid for you to see my fear and shame.

I am loving you the best I can.

Amy