Thanks for your note. I wish you had called instead. My heart breaks.
Yes, I know I emailed, but I had just had a baby and I was exhausted. Deb called. I could feel her love regardless of her judgment of my life. My heart breaks for you and me.
If you had so much happiness, joy and satisfaction when I was born, why are you the mother you are now? My heart longs for your love.
I was once your little girl. I still am your little girl. My heart longs for a loving relationship with you.
I still have that sweet heart that has been broken time and time again by your spite and I still try to offer that sweet heart to you each and every time I see you. My heart breaks every time I think of you and how our relationship is not only broken, but that I am the only one who seems to reach out and try to mend it.
You break my heart almost every day, but I am grateful I can feel this sadness. I am so glad I can feel my heart to this depth. I am so grateful to have the most incredible gift of healing the wounds I have from you with my own daughter.
You disappoint me so often but I still so deeply love you. Disappointment is a passing feeling. Love is a staying power.
I still wanted nothing more than for you to have realized that in birth and in death, integrity rules that you put down the swords of old wounds and celebrate or pay tribute to another.
I still really wanted nothing more than for you to stop the defensive noise in your mind and feel your heart. Feel your love for me. Feel your love for your granddaughter. Feel the want in your heart to mend our relationship.
I know you want this just as much as I do. No one truly wants to have this much hate inside their body. It's not the way of the soul. I know this to be true.
All my love,
Amy, who really does hope that you open your heart before you die, but if you choose not to, please know I have never stopped loving you and never will.
I thought and thought this afternoon and during my drive about all of the things I was feeling around you choosing not to be here either when the baby is born, or afterwards.
I could feel how happy and excited you were today, at the idea of going back home to Israel. (this was a trip I had hoped to share with you) It felt like seeing your Dad and finding closure with him quickly became secondary to seeing friends, visiting family, and just enjoying being home in general. And why shouldn't you feel this? What right do I have to begrudge you this joy and happiness? Are you not free to choose what you want to do with your life? What right do I have to judge your feelings? So I had to think about what I was feeling. And why.
This is what I came up with.
I absolutely do not love myself. I can talk and talk about how I am working on loving myself, but the truth is, I find it amazing that anyone could love me. That anyone would want to be with me, that I could make anyone happy. I am not trying to elicit sympathy from you, this is truly how I feel deep inside of me. That I am not worth it. And until I can come to a place where I can truly believe in myself and love myself, how could I possibly know how to love anyone else? Wouldn't it make me a big faker? I don't think I know how to love anyone without attachment or other things that are not unconditional love. I have so much fear inside of me that I will never ever be able to feel true love. So I close myself down and don't try.
I am so afraid of being abandoned, I create reasons to abandon everyone else first, saying they don't love me right, when really I do not love them right, because I don't love myself. I project this out onto you. I am so sorry to do this to you, it is out of my own shadow. So how does this all tie together? You going to Israel and missing our baby being born is a chance for me to create a story around you not loving me and abandoning me when I need you. Does this mean I am looking for an excuse to leave you? And then blaming it on you so I don't have to own that piece of my shadow? I am not sure. I just know I want to find out and be honest.
Please go to Israel whenever it feels right for you to do so. For as long as you wish to. If it means you are not with me when the baby is born, maybe that is meant to be. Maybe it is more important for you to have closure with your Dad than it is for you to be here for the birth. Maybe there is something or someone amazing waiting for you in Israel. Maybe you will stay there. Maybe, maybe maybe... Sometimes we don't know the reason things happen the way they do. We have to try to be open to any possibility. This is a lesson I very much need to learn, I am not there yet at all.
I am so afraid to send this to you, so afraid for you to see my feelings, so afraid for you to see my fear and shame.
I am loving you the best I can.
I just have to tell you how effected I feel by you expressing to me today that I couldn't possibly fathom how much you care about me. With your words, I did feel it. I do feel it. And I have never felt anything like it before. I can honestly say that until today, no matter what other people actually felt/feel for me, I have never felt loved. I have never felt that anyone actually cared about me. Sadly this is too true for me. I have spent 25 years of my life with S, experienced all sorts of way ups, way downs and way in-betweens (maybe not really, how much did I actually allow myself to feel?) yet I have never felt loved and cared for by him. And I know he loves and cares for me. I can see it and witness it, though I do not FEEL it. But I felt it from you today. Truly I did. I felt your vulnerability as you spoke the words to me and it did not scare me, rather I felt such tenderness for you. I believed you. I felt the sacredness of you speaking to me of your feelings. Laura, I think you are my first love. I cannot explain the enormity of the gratitude I feel for you right now. (thank goodness I don't have to, you can just feel into it!) You are showing me what intimacy truly is and now I will know it when I feel it. I would not call the love I feel for you romantic or sexual. I can put no word to it because that would impose a limit and the love I feel for you is just that, limitless, without boundary. It is the enormity, the possibility, the mystery, the purity of the Universe. I thank God you can feel into my feelings because this email does not and cannot even come close. I am lucky to be typing coherent words, I feel like bashing my hands on the keyboard, the feelings I am feeling are so powerful. I feel like the Universe right now. Not separate, but one. Thank you my friend, my love.
Amy who is Amy, which is everything and nothing and oh so beautiful.
My Island is tropical with waves big enough to have fun with on one side and calm lapping waves with tide pools on another side. Lush fruit trees grow everywhere, coconut, mango, pineapple, banana, papaya, noni and guava are abundant. The rustle of the leaves of all of these different trees play a whispery, soulful music that calms and grounds simultaneously. Stepping in from the beach one finds fresh water ponds and waterfalls, where inhabitants can frolic and bathe. Nobody wears clothing on My Island, perhaps a decorative flower necklace or grass skirt worn merely to adorn and embellish the beauty of the human body. The inhabitants wear no blemishes on their bodies, they eat fresh natural food and think pure thoughts (even anger is not destructive if it is pure and conscious) and this is reflected in their visible and invisible forms. All live in harmony as there is abundance for all. Food grows plentifully and everyone occupies their own private living space, communing when they wish. There is no need for money. People fill the roles they wish. Some are beekeepers and provide honey and beeswax to everyone. Some pick naturally growing fruits and vegetables to give away. Some collect drinking water in beautiful gourds. Some create products (like skin creams or something) and offer these where needed and wanted. Some create songs or poems for enjoyment. There are often contests with words, with people competing back and forth to see who can think of clever rhymes with speed and skill. All are in service in ways that provide happiness and fulfillment to themselves and others.
There is no concept of time other than that of the sun, moon and tides. People eat when they feel hunger, create or work when they feel inspired and sleep when they are tired. The moonlight is such that activities do not need to cease during the night. There are no rules on My Island. Each belongs to the tribe of their own truth. Some people are in monogamous relationships with one another and create children. Some people have a different lover each day and night. There is no judgment from one person to the next, all allow for individuality and free expression in one another. When all are living in truth, there is no hurting anyone else.
I am a Word Wizard. I feel and hear the vibrations of letters and words and combine them in such a way that inspires people to be their authentic selves. I set off a chain reaction (I am a catalyst) that in turn, inspires people to inspire others with their individuality. I do not always write, I can also access and present the vibrations of letters and words with my voice. How I present to each person that comes to me for guidance is unique to them. What they need from me is not always apparent to them, it is for me to interpret, first to myself, and then further interpret so they may understand. I am successful with my passion fully when I am in complete accord with the rhythms of the Earth and Cosmos. When I am unfettered and unencumbered by the minutiae of "daily" life (as it is known everywhere BUT My Island.) A combination of groundedness and just enough "head in the clouds" is necessary for me to attune with each individual. My vibrations emerge as I am talking, they come from the connection of communication between beings. I am also able to share a connection with trees, plants, animals and any other living being. I truly am osmosis with all that vibrates with existence and being. This also makes it challenging for me to explain what my function, my life purpose is, it is not truly definable. With my ability I heal others by demonstrating a world that is without boundary, without definition. I guess that is my ultimate inspiration, to invite and allow limitlessness in all life forms.
I have a monogamous relationship with my true love. We are connected in a way that does not NEED words, we can feel each others vibrations and that is so satisfying. We do use words and physical gestures however, it is the blend of the invisible and visible that creates a unique connection between us. My love is masculine and pure and sees me on more than one level of being.
I can't write anymore right now, this is making me cry. It is so far from what my life is right now.
Okay Laura, are you ready for this? I am not sure I am. But I am going to try. I feel so so much better since talking to you. I also spoke to EK and I feel better from that too. In a different way. I do love him, I just have to figure out how it is all going to work out. I think my view of love now and how it can be in a relationship is actually quite limited, so let's work on that first.
I keep thinking about how you said I am soft and juicy and mushy. And every time I think about bringing that into the world (like now) my eyes well up with tears and I can almost feel the Amy that Is trying to get out, even though she is so scared. My God, how can there be so much fear in this 5'1" body? Why do I think it is so much better to be hard and crispy than to be soft and mushy? Because I had to be hard in order to survive the parental onslaughts I fielded on a daily basis? Probably. It is a challenge for me to think of myself as soft and mushy and that makes me cry too. Okay, I feel myself popping out of the feeling space and into analytical space. I don't really want to know why it all happened, I just want to get my soft chewy center. Until I do so, the Universal concepts I so wholeheartedly believe in will remain just that; concepts. I want them experientially. So I need to find my authenticity in order to fully feel how unreal it all is. Oh, I love how puzzling that sounds because I understand all of it. Now I want to be it.
I am not sure how to be my funny, wise-cracking, cool, loving, empathetic, try anything, sweet, huggable self. Some of those words feel a little uncomfortable to wear. I guess if I can start seeing myself as that, as I really am, maybe I can start to believe it. So can I ask for your help? Will you be my word-mirror? Can you offer me a few more words (you have already shared juicy, warm and soft, 3 of my trouble words) that you see me as? Cause I know you mostly see me better than I see myself. I don't mean this in a pedestal way, I mean it in a reality way. As I write this I think of a nickname given to me in Jr High by my friend Larry. The name was Mole, because of the mole on the side of my face. I called him Florence (feminine rhyme of Lawrence.) Anyway, it strikes me that moles are blind. They bumble around underground completely blind, but I wonder if they even know they are blind. I mean, if all moles are blind, how could they ever know any other way to be? I think right now I feel blind, but I have recognized blindness is not my natural state. I am still a bit afraid of the brightness of the light I can now see, so I feel hesitant.
I want to bring my light out. I want to be warm and soft and mushy, which I always thought was someone else and not me because I was too tough for that. What if I actually am the kind person I always thought everyone else was? What if I am the person other people come to for a hug, for a sense of comfort?
Amy who is going into permaculture like a mole; blind and not recognizing it as a problem.
I have never looked more beautiful than I do today, Monday. I said this to myself last Friday too. There is a softness to me, a gentleness that appears to invite you into my feelings. My hair looks fabulous. No matter what I do. My bangs are falling perfectly. This typically happens for me one half day of every year. I'm still tan from summer weather and I appear to glow. I'm beautiful. Today anyway. The most interesting part of this observation is that on the inside, I have never felt more like a rancid, drippy, maggot-ridden cesspool of shit. And that’s me being kind to myself. I am shedding. I am cleansing. I am ridding myself of all the self-stifling false beliefs, self-limiting false vows, vast oceans of unexpressed emotions and all sorts of other toxic sludge and crap I have accumulated over the past 44 years of living exactly as other people wanted. Being a die-hard codependent, I was willingly compliant and highly successful at being anything but me.
Then I started to stir shit up. Seemingly almost at random I found a unique-to-me thought floating around in my PTO kowtowing brain. This thought was a persistent little bugger, threatening my very (co)existence as dutiful wife, superhero mother and overly participatory community member. What was this thought? Actually, I don’t remember the exact thought. Sorry. What I do remember is that this seemingly innocuous and cute little thought led the charge of a whole lot of seemingly innocuous and cute little thoughts I had stashed away in the dark recesses of my psyche, hoping they would just wither and die from neglect and malnutrition. But these critters are resilient mofos. It was as if they were all connected somehow and once one got out of the deep hole it had been buried in, all the rest of the little fuckers wanted out. I couldn’t do anything to stop them. You see, they were me. ME. They were and are my true soul self, the substance behind what I came here to be as a human on Earth. And let me tell you what I have figured out so far. I stood in the wrong fucking line when they were handing out lives, because I got a real raw-ass deal going for me in this lifetime. I will know WAY better next time around.
Today was the shittiest day in awhile. I mean, other than yesterday. Tomorrow is not looking so hot from here either. I wouldn’t trade it. I wouldn’t go back to my living-a-shitty-lie-of-an-inauthentic-life-but-keeping-the-tribe-happy-and-at-bay existence for all the tea in China. And I think that’s a lot of tea that I could sell which would really help a girl out right now. I am staying right here in my shitty, but deliciously authentic and genuine life and exploring consciousness in every single thing I do from picking my nose and eating it to meditating at the Peace Pagoda. Every heartbreak, every set back, every knife through my side is just a beautiful opportunity to be alive and be AMY. Jesus, I’m fucked.
I really, really wish you could know me now. I am learning so much about myself, who I am at my core and discovering how I walk through the world as Amy.
For many months now, actually years, I have been mired in a victim mentality. It has clouded everything in my life. While I certainly see it as a necessary step in my process of self-discovery, it is all too tempting and easy to remain stuck here, constantly feeding on misery, resentment and martyrdom, while refusing to take any responsibility for my actions. I do not wish to live in my victim any longer. I feel like the way out is through cultivating authentic feelings of gratitude. Since I have you pegged as a major player in my victim story, I figure the perfect place to start is by locating my gratitude for you and the ways you have, in any way, contributed to my sense of self.
I have located in me what I first believed to be an inability to receive. Be it love, support, guidance, a meal, a ride…you name it, I couldn’t take it in freely. Upon further exploration however, I realized I actually have an enormous, no GINORMOUS ability to receive. What I lacked was a functioning filtration system. Mom, you were instrumental in this discovery for me, it was YOU who first recognized my enormous capacity to receive, you who recognized my distant edges, you who attempted to connect with me by utilizing my breadth and depth as a receptacle or vessel for all you could not carry yourself. I can so appreciate your desire to connect with me. Truly. I needed this help from you to get to the next piece of my receiving, which is exercising my right to choice and discernment about WHAT I choose to receive. In other words, a fully functioning filtration system. Before recognizing this discernment, I allowed myself to be filled with all sorts of toxic by-products. Now I can choose not to be filled with ick. I can choose to receive love, and whatever else I feel will support and sustain me.
The freedom I have found with this new choice is absolutely empowering. I feel so incredibly grateful to you for laying this foundation for me and for loving me enough to connect with such an intimate and essential part of my psyche. Thank you!
What is this?
My whole life has been a training ground for my work as a therapist. I have transformed the ugliest hate into the most powerful love. Here is a peek into my personal process. My fear, my shame, my judgment, my heartbreak, my criticism...and more. I promise you, I'm okay. And you will be too.